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And it seems like all is dying

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brosia

darling

....the shapes that slide beneath my feet are sharks

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November 8th, 2013

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pretty girl
Hello, livejournal!

It's newly november. I went from a few breathlessly happy weeks at the end of October where I got to go to Athens to see my favorite band (neutral milk hotel), and then last week go to my favorite place in the world (chimney rock, NC) to my favorite hotel, to celebrate my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY with my boyfriend, on halloween! I was so happy that whole time I didn't know what to do with myself. Can anyone even believe I've had a boyfriend for one year? He's the best. I spend all my time with him and hardly even have any other friends. That's not good, but I don't care. I've become the most anti-social person, which I know is bad, but I have just as much fun hanging out with him watching movies and not talking to anyone else. I feel a strong urge to go Out soon, though. It's not like any of my Charlotte friends are calling me desperately asking if I want to hang out, why am I not hanging out! A lot of my old friends seem to have the mentality of, if this person isn't right in front of my face, I don't care about maintaining a friendship with them. There are still a few who I like to see but everyone else is just kind of ehhhhh.

Anyway I'm back to being depressed again. I blame November. After Halloween it's all a slow slide downhill until it starts being warm again. I Love fall but I hate winter. Thanksgiving and Christmas are okay because I like my family and I LOOOOOVE eating!

After the faire is over, I'll have a month of no work where I can go out and socialize, it'll be nice and cold out which will make me just want to go back home, yay!

Things are possibly changing in our route across country next year. Davis wants to take leather sewing classes so he can start his own business, a partnership with his oldest friend. Making leather stuff! Including BDSM stuff, which he already makes for his bosses now, but he wouldn't be in competition with them. The ultimate goal, I think, is to have his own shop and then we would settle down in some cool town (Asheville is where we're thinking right now) and I would even possibly still do some Ren Faires, probably just NC and Arizona and New York because those are my favorite jobs with my favorite bosses. I would be happy settling in a new town and with his job we'd maybe even be able to travel to Europe and Japan. It's funny to me that I might possibly be involved with the making and selling of kinky sexy stuff...I'm not into that kind of thing AT ALL aside from a little hair pulling, biting, etc. Nothing like ball gags or being tied up. Eek! I would be happy not having anything to do with business, but maybe just getting a little coffee job. Working at coffee shops is my favorite! People are soooo appreciative of you giving them their drugs every day. I even like it when people order weird complicated drinks. Any time I see anybody making fun of someone for ordering 'double tall skinny extra foam latte' I just think, oh I know what that means! I know what that drink is! Plus I could go live and work in any hipster city of my dreams with knowledge of how to make a cappuccino. Portland, here I come! Athens, watch out! Austin, eat your heart out! JK I never want to live in Texas.

April 19th, 2013

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pretty girl
the acid trip went okay. the sunset was beautiful, luckily, and the pinkish light gathered in the hollows of the trees around the dried-up lake in a way that i really liked. i was briefly terrified by an angry dude attacking a portajohn near our tent, yelling 'fuck! shit! fucker!' i carried a glowing pitchfork and BF carried borrowed nun-chucks with glowsticks duck taped to them. he got really good at spinning chucks last year but they got stolen along with the rest of his stuff. so he borrowed them and he was good at spinning again. it was fun to watch the glowsticks spinning through the darkness, but i wasn't seeing tracers or any visuals at all. i had to remind myself several times that i was a mermaid in a waterfall and if i wanted i didn't have to stay under the waterfall. when you trip acid sometimes staying in one place is intolerable, so anytime I wasn't moving it was intolerable and I thought I'd jump out of my skin. Instead I grabbed my pitchfork and walked in a circle around the tree, then I walked under the archway, I jumped over puddles of shadows (if I stepped in the shadow I'd fall to the center of the earth), we walked down to the waterfall next to the campground. Some people were down there also spinning toys with glowsticks attached to them. The people on my right were having a great time, smoking pot and drinking from a giant pewter mug of whiskey. The people on my left were complaining that they'd been told not to spin fire at the waterfall. The girl who gave us the acid stood with her giant hula hoop in her hand, one foot firmly planted and said 'I'm insured. I'm insured. I'll call the fire marshal MYSELF!' so maybe one day they'll be able to spin fire at the waterfall. I whispered to BF that I had to leave. We left and went back to the tent where he stayed outside in the yard spinning nunchucks til 3am. I was already tired by midnight, but I couldn't fall asleep til he did. I just laid in bed clutching my pitchfork and my little stuffed rhino, smoking pot and thinking about diamonds and rainbows. It was fun but I like mushrooms better.

April 15th, 2013

the hazards of love

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pretty girl
i'm back on livejournal. hmmm. i can never decide whether to write in here or my blog that everyone reads. I guess it's safer to write certain things in here, but I hate having to censor myself just because I know my 15 year old cousin reads it sometimes.

Anyway. Things are still good. Except for the fact that my feet hurt to an almost intolerable extent at the end of the day on a faire day, I enjoy my job. My 'boss', manager guy, who fought to hire me, is always complimenting me and saying how glad he is that I'm working there. thanks, me too! who knew it was possible to sell the shit out of stuff you would never buy for yourself?

i'm taking acid tonight with my boyfriend. i wonder what it will be like. he usually needs to take a lot and i'm only taking 1 so hopefully i won't trip too terribly hard. it got good reviews from our friend. i'm glad we decided to take it later in the day and not in the morning like we were going to. it's super hot and sunny and i'd probably have been so upset. we smoked instead and went to bizarre bazaar (where they serve breakfast and everyone comes out dressed as their True Selves, which is mostly in cut-up t-shirts and sarongs with their tans and weird greenman tattoos proudly displayed and i even saw a tiny skinny girl's tiny, tiny titties while she changed into someone's secondhand shirt she'd just purchased. here in texas people walk around topless all the time. (at the faire, not in the outside world.) i'm not ashamed of mine but i'm not gonna walk around with them flopping all around. for some reason they did not provide the shower houses with shower curtains this year (remind me why i'm paying $250 for camping at this show? just because there's a waterfall nearby that's so low it's just a trickle and also full of algae and sewage, oh and there's a restaurant on site that's just for us but they just make you sandwiches and sell beer secretly out of the back. and acid is easily gotten. big whoop!) so today I bought a giant beach towel to drape over the rod so nobody can look in and watch me shave my legs or whatever. probably next time i go in there, there will be shower curtains, but i like my towel anyway. i bought the most hipster towel possible, it's got that santa fe print on it that all the kids are wearing these days.

back to the acid? maybe i'll write about that experience tomorrow, or i guess wednesday when i make it to town again. then i can actually write something worthwhile? not many people see this so i don't know. maybe i'll write something in my blog and just not say i was on acid and people can infer. i feel like my dad is the only person who reads my blog so that would be awkward. "hey dad, I dropped acid and here's what happened." oh well.

April 10th, 2013

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pretty girl
what's up

i'm still with my boyfriend, i love him every day. i love him unconditionally.

we share a tent and a car and a bed.

we got in a fight yesterday but it wasn't really a fight. he was in a weird mood, and he said 'i still love you.' to my angry back. i didn't say anything so he said fuck you so i said 'i still love you too.' that's the worst fight we've had.

we're in texas and it's cold and rainy. yesterday we went on a trip to the jesus-y starbucks and everyone was talking about jesus and it annoyed us so we were annoyed all day. today we're at a bookstore with a coffeeshop in it and everyone is alone and we got perfectly made drinks so maybe today we won't be in a bad mood.

it's weird being in love. he's not the guy i expected or dreamed about ending up with, but now i can't imagine being with anyone else. i hope he sticks around foreverrrrr. hopefully the next time i write in here won't be to say omg he broke up with me i hate him waahhh. it won't.

i don't have anything else interesting to say. i'm pretty fat now.

May 21st, 2011

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darling
uhhhhhhhhhh

nothing new to report other than i've been going to the gym because i got really fat. i also started doing zumba with my mom which is pretty funny. i used to go out dancing to burn calories now i have to aerobercise booty-dance without booze or cigarettes because i'm a damn hermit and never leave huntersville.

all of the dudes who were sure bets for giving me rides moved into one house in plaza midwood (and one got a DUI) so now they're not sure bets. graham will come get me sometimes but not as much lately. i hate it i hate it i hate it! if i just lived in the neighborhood things would be fine, but fucking huntersville is the worst and everyone acts like it's a thousand million miles away, as if i didn't drive down to charlotte almost every day every week to see them. i've talked about this before i feel like. whatever, it still makes me mad. but only a couple more months til i get my license back!


oh, today's the fake rapture. everyone's talking about it. fucking idiot christians and their world-ending predictions. i actually saw someone on twitter say 'Thanking God for waking me up today!' i imagine god stealing into their bedroom and gently shaking their shoulder. 'wake up, honey!' 'awww, god, just 5 more minutes, okay?' *god blows up the world*

April 28th, 2011

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darling
i've been going to the gym. to amuse myself i mad-dogged a kind of hot dude the other day. i also raced against the old man next to me on the bicycle. i have to do these things because otherwise working out is pretty boring, even with podcasts and my awesome playlist. so any time i see a young-ish dude there i just have a staredown with him except i look away when he looks at me. then i laugh to myself. i always imagine someone is watching me the entire time i'm out in public, yet if someone tries to talk to me i turn into an awkward mess. (during the day, sober, at least) my goal is to make all my muscles sore at all times. my goal so far is being achieved!

i'm doing a Good Deed on friday. my friend from concord has a cat that just had kittens and he can't take care of him. but if he brings them to the shelter in concord, they'll be killed that same day! however, you need a charlotte or huntersville ID to bring animals to the place in charlotte, so i'm going with him with my huntersville ID so the kitties can have a few months at least to get a chance to be adopted. i want a kitten but obviously i can't have one, or my dogs will eat them and my parents hate cats and my dad is allergic to them. i am also allergic to them but only really dander-y ones. if i ever live by myself somewhere i want to get a cat and name him DH Lawrence. I also want a puppy named Sandwiches or Clapton.

being cooped up in huntersville sucks so much. everyone is gearing up to have an awesome summer and i'm just stuck here with no way to go have fun other than getting rides. i hate getting rides! i hate asking for them, and i hate waiting around for until the other person is finally ready to drive the grueling 15 miles to huntersville. my uncle biked 110 miles the other day, and no one can even be bothered to DRIVE 15? bah!

March 9th, 2011

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darling
here's a dream i had.

i'm skipping school with my group of friends. two hot dudes and two girls. one of the girls is my very best friend and kind of the leader of the group, Sabine. she's cassie from skins. she's always making us do crazy shit and i'm the voice of reason to keep her from getting too crazy, but i usually go along with whatever she says. one of the dudes is cook from skins, second cast, who i've always liked and flirted with but never really gone all the way. the other guy and girl are just random dream people.

so anyway, we're skipping school, and sabine leads us to her house where her mom isn't home. she takes us to a secret staircase that leads down and out to a huge quarry/excavation site, on the other side of which are some tract houses. one belongs to her family and is empty so she proposes we go there. the quarry is all water and mud down a huge cliff with only a tiny path on the side, which we have to climb single file. i'm fine with all this but a little nervous about the cliff. we make it to the house and are dicking around when sabine pulls out a huge book on satanism and all the evil gods and goddesses and how to do rituals to call them down to earth. she lightly proposes that we try some of them out. as an atheist, i think this is a really dumb idea and say no, but she challenges me. the others seem to be sympathetic to me but afraid not to do what sabine says. she finally comes out and says that she is a satanist and scorns my atheism. i just kind of laugh at her and say fine, you can do your stupid rituals, but i'm leaving. i promise not to tell anyone about her, though. and she says no, you won't.

as i leave to go back to town, sabine comes out on the front porch and watches me go the whole time. i can feel her eyes on my back as i slip and slide on the tiny path in the quarry. men are working below to excavate some ancient town just as i walk by, and suddenly a giant column with a goat's head comes crashing down in front of me. i scream and turn to look at sabine but she's gone. i hurry the rest of the way back, up the staircase and back down the hill into town. as i do i notice that each house is decorated with devil masks and spooky stuff, some have signs pointing down into town that say 'satan's way' and as i get into town i'm surrounded by people wearing devil masks and costumes, breathing fire and dancing. i remember that it's the town's annual satan parade, and get worried that sabine and the others are gonna unleash something really bad and it'll be covered up by the fact that it's the parade day.

as i walk down, sabine and the others are walking up to meet me...i don't know how they got back before i did. they're all in devil costumes and laughing. "come on, amber, let's play!" sabine says, draping me in a cloak. she's acting like nothing's wrong. cook grabs my hand and looks into my eyes, and finally kisses me. it seems like nothing is wrong and sabine was just fucking with me, so i go along and keep hanging out with them.

cook and i start up a romantic relationship over the next few days, things seem fine with sabine, although she's more distant than usual and a lot more arrogant and sarcastic. one day i'm going to visit cook when i see through the screen door he and sabine kissing, then him kneeling in front of her like he was worshipping her. i run away but i can feel her watching me. strange things start to happen, like everyone in town is starting to look at me oddly and treating me differently. the next day i wake up with scratches all over my body. i cover them up and go to sabine's house to confront her, but when i get there, no one is home. as i start to leave, a man who says he's a doctor appears and says that my friend sabine called, worried that i was hurting myself i say no, i'm not, but he pulls up my shirt and sees the deep, bloody cuts all over my ribcage and back. i swear that they just appeared while i was asleep and start screaming that something came and scratched me in the night but i'm restrained and taken to a mental hospital. they put me in one of those beds with the wrist restraints, saying that i've been scratching myself in my sleep. and i can still feel sabine watching.



pretty creepy, huh! it's kind of like the craft mixed with black swan. the whole time i wasn't sure if it was something evil that was happening or if i was just going crazy or if sabine was just mind-fucking me or what. i love crazy dreams like this.

January 8th, 2011

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darling
i'm starting a diet which should be pretty easy to follow if i just make asian food and forgo noodles (i love noodles.) i can't really eat cheese or dairy other than cottage cheese (which i love anyway) and i can't have anything with fructose and no carbs except one day a week when i can eat anything. i'll try it for a week and if i don't notice any difference i'll stop, i'm sure not having 50 cans of ginger ale and beer a day will be helpful. that'll be the hardest part, probably harder than cheese and bread. why can't they make carbless beer. i wonder what diet ginger ale tastes like. i'm allowed to have that but only 1 a day. knowing most diet sodas i'd probably rather just go without. :( except on my binge day. (which is required for a caloric spike to keep my metabolism on its toes. burn, little mitochondrias, burn!)

i'm just worried because ALL my favorite foods include bread or noodles or cheese in some way. but i decided on this because "everything in moderation" doesn't work for me and i can eat as much as i want of the approved foods. and if i can do it for a week i can do it for 2 weeks. and if for 2 weeks then 3 weeks. i didn't eat any meat for 6 months that one time, that's longer than any romantic relationship i've ever had!

but yeah, i want to lose some weight and also have my tummy not be upset EVERY SINGLE DAY. i think all the carbonated beverages i drink probably have something to do with that. and all the meals i have planned are things i enjoy anyway. protein and fiber, protein and fiber, PROTEIN AND FIBER.

i'm writing this here so if i fail there'll be something on the internet proving it. HEY ASSHOLE YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT FOR EVEN A WEEK WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

tomorrow/tonight is my last day before i start on monday so i have to eat all the bad food in the house. i mean i don't HAVE to, but i should just so it's not there. it's gonna be hard enough with my dad's chips and all the beer my parents always have in the fridge. but i can do it. i can at least START.

January 4th, 2011

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darling
ok i never got to meet up with my okcupid husband :(

new years was great though, i got to spend it with danny who is my favorite. now i'm back home and once again feel like i have no friends. great!!!

i have to go get my car breathalyzer re-calibrated today. there shouldn't be much calibrating to do as i've used the breathalyzer a total of 5 times and not even to drive, just to start the car to make sure the battery didn't run out. this will be my first time driving since august! holy cowowowowowowowwww


anyway that's it. uh my new years resolutions are:

1. if you're gonna start dating a dude, make sure he isn't married already
2. lose weight

i'd also like to get a real boyfriend this year, a serious one! we'll see how that goes.

December 14th, 2010

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darling
just dropping in! nothing interesting is going on in my life right now except i've been sick and stuck at home and have money for the first time ever and have become addicted to online shopping. so i have a lot of really cute thing that i'll wear when i actually make it out of the house! to add to the 5 things i wear on a regular basis when i go out as it is! my winter outfit consists of: vintage doc martens, black leggings with black thigh high legwarmers over, thigh high red and white AA socks when it's super cold (it has been.) either gray or blue or white and pink lace or peach lace dress, if it's the gray dress i belt it with a red and white striped long string belt around my hips and wear a white lace slip underneath that peeks out. long black drapey cardigan that you can wear in a bunch of different ways, as a wrap, with a hood, short with draping, etc. long frock coat made of dark purple upholstry fabric i got from value village, elbow length black knit arm warmers with no fingers and a thumb hole i bought from the shop i worked at at the renaissance festival, and my winter coat which is a long dark green parka from old navy. it's flannel-blanket lined and has a big roomy hood with fake fur trim and is the warmest coat i've ever owned. i don't even need to zip it!

the items i'm adding to this collection are: white lace dress i got for NYE, which is super romantic and old fashioned looking (my chosen clothing aesthetic), a big chunky knit sweater that's kind of brown, cream, and peach, some tiered ruffled peach shorts that look like 18th century underclothes, thick black winter leggings, and an antiqued rosette belt. soon i will also buy more winter leggings, a gray shirtdress, the multi-tiered black AA petticoat, some simple black dresses, tights with lace patterns, and some black boots that look victorian. i could buy all of these things now but i'm saving up to get myself an ipod touch for christmas. which i will use and listen to on my way up to new york for new years!

new york for new years! i get to see my best friend danny, and rick, and krys, and i'm riding the chinatown bus up with my friend richy.
but most importantly i am meeting a dude i have a huge crush on who lives up there. he is exactly my physical type and personality type. the only thing that isn't perfect about him is i think he doesn't play music of any kind, BUT he is an artist, a really good one, so i can live with that. and HE sought ME out. i mean, okay, we're meeting from okcupid but i think it will be fine. we are a 94% match which is the highest i'm matched with anyone. and we have talked a few times and it always went great. and he doesn't believe in god and hates christianity and religion too. and well basically we're gonna get married. okay? okay! i'll write about how it went afterwards. maybe i'll update from my ipod touch.
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