And it seems like all is dying

i dressed as lindsey lohan last night. cody the dj bought me a lindsey lohan shot. it was DELICIOUS. i danced a lot. i drank a lot. my crush bought me a beer but they wouldn't let him buy two beers so he just came and gave me the money. <3333! then he picked me up because i was too drunk to drive and he had to ride his bike home, then get his car and come back and pick me up. i think he's really sexy. i used to hate beards and chest hair and now i'm like yeah manly men! even danny noticed. i still like em skinny though. i'm not into bears, just otters. straight ones.

living in huntersville sucks. the other common market orphans noticed i hadn't been there in a while. I'M SORRY GUYS


and now, a funny story:

a few weeks ago at le bang i slept with this dude. i mean, not AT le bang, but i went home with him afterwards. it wasn't all that great, but he saw my book and we smoked a little and i read out loud to him which was funny and kate winslet-ish of me!! then he got all annoying trying to make me stay and spend the night and i was just like NO. and i heard he beat up his girlfriend so i was mean to him and bossed him around and stuff and then left. anyway.
a few nights ago i got a text from him that said "i used protection with the reader." and i was like, what does that mean? and he responded "just that i don't wanna sleep with someone and then you and give you something...i luh you" and i was like um i don't think you have to worry about that.... and then he texted: I sent that to you!??! and i was like YEP. what an IDIOT. i want to know who this person is he meant to have texted...its really funny that he calls me The Reader though. he was there last night and he tried to talk to me but i couldn't understand the words in his mouth i was so drunk. why are people SUCH idiots?? oh well.

whats up!!! i haven't written anything in a while because there's nothing much to write. uhhh, i have a crush on a new dude, he has a BEARD! he lives in walking distance from ben's house so whenever i drive home from his place i feel half sad and half like, eff you ben! i want to go to the gas station one morning and see him there and be like, ohhhh yeah just comin back from my boyfriend's house....(not that he's my boyfriend, but y'know.) he's super sexy and i'm really into him but we haven't had sex yet i've just slept over a few times. aaaaaaah!!!

i'm back in huntersville for a sec, then moving into an apartment on commonwealth with rachael yaaaaaaaaAAAY i'm gonna get a puppy and no one can stop me. i'm still really pissed i couldn't get this one puppy i saw on craigslist, he was MINE but somebody took him instead.

im reading this book called Wideacre by phillipa gregory, you know, who wrote the Other Boleyn Girl? its her debut novel. I'm only about 5 chapters in and there's already been one murder, one almost murder involving a man trap and snapped legs but then a hut covered in dragged bloody marks so he's not dead (this is the guy who murdered her father), an illicit 15 year old love affair, (with Snapped Legs and the main character, snapped legs killed her father so they could get the land and then she decided she wasn't okay with it and made him run into the man trap) and now she's totally obsessed in love with her brother and she let a cat into her mom's room because her mom is deathly allergic to cats so they could have time alone to TOTALLY FUCK. loooove it! its a huge book too and there are 2 more, AWESOME! AND its set in Georgian England, siiiigh. corsets and stomachers and 16 year old brother sister love.

well, with mercury being in retrograde this month i'm really having a hard time of it. i popped two wheels on my car and had to get it sent into the shop, but it costs more than i can afford to fix it and i can't get it back until i have the money. i'm low on money as it is. with merc in retrograde it causes problems in communication, technology (my phone's been fucking up as well) and transportation, among other things. also questions and complications about your current living situation. luckily i don't really have any big decisions to make, as i'm not supposed to until at least oct. 3rd. but apparently when it goes out of retrograde and venus goes into libra (i think) things will be easier. and apparently this retrograde hits LATE BORN geminis the worst! its definitely been a trying month, thats for sure. PLUS i'm about to run out of medication so i have to go back to the DR, but i'm hoping i can just call and ask her to call it in for me. i haven't been taking it long enough to have bad withdrawals but i wanna keep taking it, since i'm nowhere near not having panic attacks and not being depressed territory yet.
i'm glad this month is almost over and its OCTOBER! i think october is my favorite month. larkyn's friend is getting us free passes to SCAROWINDS and i'm really excited but i bet it'll freak my freak. haunted things scare me! but maybe i'll find a vampire boyfriend. actually i don't care because i'm hanging out with a boy that i like again, from last year, and things are going very well!! i still miss ben from time to time, though. my heart isn't so much broken anymore, but its still sore. but THIS b is better at Doing It AND he owns a tattoo shop and can give me free tattoos...so the benefits are many! my social life is the only thing going well right about now, which i don't mind. making new friends and hanging out with rachael almost every day and getting into trouble with her is amazing and i wouldn't want to change it! so much better than sitting at home every night moping around on the computer.

I GOT KIRBY!!!!!!!!!!

the medicine isn't completely in my system yet. my hands shake really bad. if i drink i have to take a chill pill the next day because i have a panic attack. :( i should stop drinking but. but! its my favorite thing :( i was on shrooms the other night at the bonfire and i loved everything. i kept walking up to everyone and saying ohhh my gooood, i loooove yoooou! it was the funnest time ever! kyle black whacked me in the legs with a branch, and now i have a bunch of huge bruises on my leg. brent drew a face on one. wanna hang out? common market 6:30-10:30, EB's 10:30-2:00 except thursdays then its CM-snug harbor. that is what i do literally almost every night! oh except last night we went to country tuesday for a "change of scenery" whatever. my hand is shaking right now. work is boring but its nice to relax and be paid. goodbye!

citalopram day 5


PANIC ATTAAAAAACKKK!!!!!!
almost passed out in my car on the way to work and then started shaking all over, now i'm here and time seems to be going really slowly, i keep shaking my foot and my hands are still trembly. i feel kind of out of it but thats probably just the lorazepam i took to stop having the panic attack. i had to call in the guy who comes in after me to come in early...i need to go home and lay down. i know this is a side effect of the drug in the early days, it can cause more anxiety and i just have to wait it out, but good lord! it may have something also to do with the fact that my attacks are worse the day after drinking and also when i'm on my period and both of those things are happening now. i felt fine when i woke up except for a headache but now i'm just like AAAAAAAAH! i'll be fine, i'll be fine. but god. i'm so freaking jumpy hahaha. i just have to push through this and know that eventually (stuff like this won't happen anymore. still its scary. i'm in a strangely good mood though. its SO NICE OUT. i guess i'm feeling a little manic. blaaah why does it have to take so long to get in my system WHY. please don't tell me i'm gonna have to stop drinking...maybe i'll just have to cut down. :( i guess its not necessarily a bad thing.

May 17th, 2007
keepmeguessing 08:24 pm
p.s. guys what is snug harbor i'm so confused







hahahahahaha
i can't imagine feeling that way now



i watched a documentary last night on netflix instant watch called BALLERINA. its all about ballerinas at the marinsky theater in russia. they are all so beautiful and bony and perfect! the whole thing was like a beautiful dream. also because i had to take a lorazepam to calm my nerves from getting some terrible news the second i walked in the door from work...BUT. i think finally things may work out, finally i should be able to keep my head above water, moneywise, thanks to my always patient parents. anyway things should start looking up, i'm on this medicine and i shouldn't have to worry about money for a while. if only anyone loved me :(

oh, hey. nothing is new. i've been on a bender. wine, women and song. or, well. beer, dudes, and song.
i saw district 9, not bad. i liked it more than i thought i would, but i thought i would like it none, so.
i'm covered in bug bites and bruises, as usual.
i'm still kind of sad about getting broken up with, but i'm covering it up by enjoying the company of gentlemen and getting really drunk and yelling at dudes. shane left me at EB's the other night, and i haven't talked to him since, but i've tried to but he's like, not answering his phone or going on the internet i don't know, its very strange. i'm not sure what happened and i was pretty worried but i guess he's okay? but i was super drunk because i hadn't driven, and i kept sadly going up to people and telling them my story. a dude gave me half his long island iced tea!
i don't know whats going on with the dude who likes me. he still calls me from time to time but i don't answer. i want a boyfriend who has his own phone. well...i don't want a boyfriend. but if i'm gonna talk to a dude i want him to have a phone, a place to live, and a job, all of which this dude doesn't have. so, no.
what else? street value tonight! party time.

i for reals need to be put on medication. my hands are all shaky. i can't stop making bad decisions. now i'm unwittingly part of some stupid drama because some dude i barely know and barely care about thinks he's in love with me, and some girl who likes him hates me now. I DON'T CARE, TAKE HIM. i don't care about a goddamn thing in this world.

i'm hungover today and my thoughts don't make sense and neither does anything else.

i think i'm back to eating, although in my current state the thought doesn't appeal to me at all. my stomach still hurts every day when i wake up. also i can't lay on my left side anymore because it causes something on my right side to hurt real bad. ovarian cyst??? pleeeeease take away my baby making powers. i think i met the only man i ever dated who i thought i wouldn't mind having kids with, and he doesn't love me, and i'm not giving them to anybody else. anyhoooo

the dude i fake married at snug still likes me. he's cool i guess. he said he'd 'follow me to the end of time' or chase me or something, because i have lioness tattooed on me and its his favorite song so he has to love me forever or something. its cute. i don't know how i feel about it but i said i'd hang out with him more, so we'll see. just another dude for all my friends to tell me about his sordid past and how i can do better and how i should stay away from him. people have told me this about every guy i've liked, you'd think they'd realize by now that either a. i can't do better or b. i don't want to, this is the kind of guy i like. there'll always be at least one person. i wonder if anybody ever says that about me to the dudes who like me. stay away from her, her heart is empty! she's a shy, reluctant barracuda. they used to call me 'maneater' at birkdale because i never came in with the same dude twice.

anyway it wouldn't hurt to hang out with a dude who seems to like me and who has good taste in music. he's not ben, but apparently i can't have ben right now. and no one is ben, that's the problem with people. haHA listen to me. what a tool.

anyway back to watching Mad Men, i'm hooked! i can't get enough! don draper, you cad!

my necklaces looked like this when i woke up this morning.

i guess i am starting to Move On. it feels terrible. first step: fake-marry a dude at snug harbor and then bring him home with you. :) / :( . i only did it because i saw ben dancing with another girl, so i stormed outside to flirt really hard with the first dude i saw. (who happens to resemble him kind of....)

:|


next step:
going to greensboro tomorrow. miriah said her upstairs neighbor looks like me so she wants to introduce us. he's a dude. its her turn to set me up with a boyfriend (i set up larkyn and david, larkyn set up miriah and jake, and the cheese stands alone.) i think the dude from last night likes me now. uh ohhh...

i just got paid the biggest paycheck of my life! but this week at work was really stressful. i kept doing things wrong! how come when i am like, moping around sadly and crying all over the place i do ok but when i finally start to get my mind in an alright place i can't make my loops big enough or figure out the damn cue learning device??? this means nothing to non-projectionists.


i was so unbelievably fucked up when i woke up this morning...i can't believe i didn't throw up all day. by all rights i should have. i only had 3 tall boys! i used to be able to knock out 3 tall boys in a night, and then go home ! and that was just hanging out having a powwow with danny, watching tv and relaxing. maybe it had something to do with the one omelet and half a pita bread i ate all day yesterday. i wonder if i've lost any weight or if all the beer i drink keeps me at the same weight? heartbreak and no money, the best diet plan! i have xylophone-sternum and angel-wing shoulderblades and my hipbones are back, but still a tiny beer belly. oh welllll
i finally bought some groceries tonight, halfheartedly, and made a sandwich for myself. since i've barely eaten more than once a day for the past 3 weeks, it made me full before i was done with half of it. it was delicious though. i just wish i cared more about food and eating. maybe being in greensboro will help, going on vacation always makes you want to chow down 24/7. i also can't wait to hook up my computer to my tape deck converter and listen to The Omnivore's Dilemma on the way there. did you know that pretty much everything in the world is made of corn or processed corn or some corn derivative? even you and i.

alright i'm going to see if i can watch all of mad men season 1 in a single go. eff you, friday night! this will probably take a while because they do recaps on www.televisionwithoutpity.com so i'll have to read those, too. *sigh*

HAHA i just got out of work at the epicentre and was waiting for the elevator with some burly security dudes when the elevator doors opened and there was this girl standing there, wearing only her top and panties, holding her skirt in her hand and mumbling incoherently into her cell phone. as she walked out i looked down and noticed that she was trailing wet on her shoes, and then looked into the elevator and saw that she had pissed ALL OVER IT, like, a gigantic puddle, like, all of her lemon drop shots just all over the floor of the elevator. i was flabbergasted and just stood there staring while the security dudes chased her, to stop her from walking around in her underpants or what, i don't know. i waited for the next elevator and felt bad for the people who were going to get in that one, not knowing that they would be treading all in pee. gross. then i walked around for a bit and watched all the drunk bros and their girlfriends lurching around, screaming ONE MORE DRINK, MY HOUSE, JUST ONE MORE and stumbling and tripping. i also saw a bunch of cars filled with drunk people screaming out the windows, lone drunk men tripping on the sidewalks, flailing their arms hilariously. i know people in charlotte love to party, but damn. there were precisely zero sober people other than myself and the cops and zero people just classily, quietly drunk. EVERYONE was yelling and slurring. maybe those people would be totally flabbergasted walking through the exiting crowd after a night of shiprocked, but damn. i've never seen one of my own walking around in just their underwear having recently pissed themselves in the elevator of a shopping compound where the cheapest drink you can buy is $5. at least the drunk vagrants i know have the decency to piss in the parking lot. and not ON THEMSELVES. in an ELEVATOR. i'm glad i didn't go to forum to see steve aoki, i can only imagine the laugh riot that would've been.

is it bad when you haven't eaten more than probably 2000 calories in the last 4 or so days, and the thought of food or eating makes you feel sick to your stomach? i think thats probably pretty bad. i saw him at snug harbor last night, i didn't cry but i had to run into the bathroom because i almost did. i almost ran right out of there into the night but then all my friends poured in, and we danced together, i flirted halfheartedly with some dude, i dunno.
adam sandler and seth rogan were in charlotte last night to see the premiere of Funny People. at my theater! i built the movie, all the trailers were out of frame but everything else was fine. i didn't get to meet them, or even see them, so it doesn't really matter i guess. apparently a lot of celebrities go to my theater for their world premieres, and get shown around the booth, so if i work there long enough i might meet them. the treadaway twins, hans matheson, and james mcavoy will never come so it does me no good. but i guess if you're in charlotte and a celebrity and want to see a movie, you usually go to the epicentre because its the nicest theater in town. i don't even know any celebrities i'd like to meet. kate blanchett? she would never come to charlotte. keira knightley wouldn't either. orlando bloom? maybe? leonardo dicaprio! i hope.

happy 1 month, yaaaay.....should've been my entry today.

instead, SAD 1 WEEK BREAKUP ANNIVERSARY , BOOOO i can't stop being fucking depressed and move on oh because its a mistake and this should never have happened. is my entry.

also, my stomach hurts and has hurt every day for a while. when will all this be over.

a very nice boy gave me a free hard drive last night. at like, 4am. i couldn't believe it, we were just casually talking and i mentioned that mine had died, and he was like, i have one at my house you can have and i was like UH WHAT. and then we drove to his house and he gave it to me and then we came back here and he installed it. now my computer works and i can actually use it at work and not just sit around bored for hours on end!!! i'm excited. i guess good stuff still does happen.

on a bad note, i'm hungover and have to go into work and i feel like puking. i'm all shaky. i was when i went to sleep though. i'm really upset because ben's bday is today and he's having a party at his house tonight and I SHOULD BE THERE GODDAMMIT. oh god now i'm really going to puke. i need to talk to him and i don't know how. he probably wouldn't answer any of my phone calls (and my phone is dead for the next week anyway) and its stupid to talk about this stuff on the internet. and he probably doesn't want to talk. maybe he's experienced the single life for a week and now is all into it. maybe he will make out with a thousand girls at his birthday party and forget i ever existed. ok now i'm REALLY going to puke.

SEE!!!!!

also:


its jude!!! awwwww

i miss ben. its been over 24 hours. this is ridiculous! new relationshipsss, you know. you know how they are. we have to spend EVERY MOMENT TOGETHER holding hands on the couch cradling the puppy between us staring into each other's eyes while the party moves around us. i don't care to spend time with anybody else though, unless he's there. i would just rather look at his face than any face! you knowwww, new relationships. it happens. but this time i really know its for real. for a long time. i'm even crazier about him than i was about neil. NEIL! the one true love of my life (so far). now i'm grown up kind of and things are turning around for me careerwise and moneywise hopefully and i feel like the timing is totally right. okay i'll stop talking about it i haven't been able to talk about anything else. boooring.
i'm watching true life: i'm an alcoholic and it makes me want a beer. just like intervention always makes me want a beer.
i just turned that off and now i'm watching pitchmen. billy mays D; they're talking about how his friend was in an airplane crash. AWK-WARD

tonight ben is having some alone time because matthew just left to go live in the woods for a month (?) and he's been really involved in all the drama going on over at that house, and me, etc. although i'm sure he's just going to end up missing me all night too. :) i miss him but i have the house to myself at the moment so i'm watching so you think you can dance with some beers and later i'm gonna make a burrito. kayla is definitely the best on SYTYCD. i can't stop staring at her beautiful blonde hair and her legs which are approximately a thousand miles long.

i quit birkdale!!! i was scheduled for this whole week, but i decided yesterday morning that i'd had enough of them forever and didn't go in, and i'm not going in for the rest of the week. i'm finally free! and i've got my orientation at my new job on wednesday so that's exciting.
last night ben told me 'i could fall in love with you...so fast!' and it made me so happy. whenever he talks about us being together for a long time or in the future, i get giddy and happy, not nervous and shifty. i am SO into the idea of committing to him for a long time. i really feel like i could love him too, for keeps. he really is everything i'd want in a person. the very idea of him makes me ridiculously happy. *GUSH*

anyway now i'm watching intervention and drinkin a beer. the girl is a speedballer and her mom is bulimic. DOUBLE FAMILY INTERVENTION. there are so many good trash tv shows nowadays...16 and pregnant, the real housewives, is she really going out with him, intervention, obsessed.....yes!