And it seems like all is dying

uhhhhhhhhhh

nothing new to report other than i've been going to the gym because i got really fat. i also started doing zumba with my mom which is pretty funny. i used to go out dancing to burn calories now i have to aerobercise booty-dance without booze or cigarettes because i'm a damn hermit and never leave huntersville.

all of the dudes who were sure bets for giving me rides moved into one house in plaza midwood (and one got a DUI) so now they're not sure bets. graham will come get me sometimes but not as much lately. i hate it i hate it i hate it! if i just lived in the neighborhood things would be fine, but fucking huntersville is the worst and everyone acts like it's a thousand million miles away, as if i didn't drive down to charlotte almost every day every week to see them. i've talked about this before i feel like. whatever, it still makes me mad. but only a couple more months til i get my license back!


oh, today's the fake rapture. everyone's talking about it. fucking idiot christians and their world-ending predictions. i actually saw someone on twitter say 'Thanking God for waking me up today!' i imagine god stealing into their bedroom and gently shaking their shoulder. 'wake up, honey!' 'awww, god, just 5 more minutes, okay?' *god blows up the world*

i've been going to the gym. to amuse myself i mad-dogged a kind of hot dude the other day. i also raced against the old man next to me on the bicycle. i have to do these things because otherwise working out is pretty boring, even with podcasts and my awesome playlist. so any time i see a young-ish dude there i just have a staredown with him except i look away when he looks at me. then i laugh to myself. i always imagine someone is watching me the entire time i'm out in public, yet if someone tries to talk to me i turn into an awkward mess. (during the day, sober, at least) my goal is to make all my muscles sore at all times. my goal so far is being achieved!

i'm doing a Good Deed on friday. my friend from concord has a cat that just had kittens and he can't take care of him. but if he brings them to the shelter in concord, they'll be killed that same day! however, you need a charlotte or huntersville ID to bring animals to the place in charlotte, so i'm going with him with my huntersville ID so the kitties can have a few months at least to get a chance to be adopted. i want a kitten but obviously i can't have one, or my dogs will eat them and my parents hate cats and my dad is allergic to them. i am also allergic to them but only really dander-y ones. if i ever live by myself somewhere i want to get a cat and name him DH Lawrence. I also want a puppy named Sandwiches or Clapton.

being cooped up in huntersville sucks so much. everyone is gearing up to have an awesome summer and i'm just stuck here with no way to go have fun other than getting rides. i hate getting rides! i hate asking for them, and i hate waiting around for until the other person is finally ready to drive the grueling 15 miles to huntersville. my uncle biked 110 miles the other day, and no one can even be bothered to DRIVE 15? bah!

here's a dream i had.

i'm skipping school with my group of friends. two hot dudes and two girls. one of the girls is my very best friend and kind of the leader of the group, Sabine. she's cassie from skins. she's always making us do crazy shit and i'm the voice of reason to keep her from getting too crazy, but i usually go along with whatever she says. one of the dudes is cook from skins, second cast, who i've always liked and flirted with but never really gone all the way. the other guy and girl are just random dream people.

so anyway, we're skipping school, and sabine leads us to her house where her mom isn't home. she takes us to a secret staircase that leads down and out to a huge quarry/excavation site, on the other side of which are some tract houses. one belongs to her family and is empty so she proposes we go there. the quarry is all water and mud down a huge cliff with only a tiny path on the side, which we have to climb single file. i'm fine with all this but a little nervous about the cliff. we make it to the house and are dicking around when sabine pulls out a huge book on satanism and all the evil gods and goddesses and how to do rituals to call them down to earth. she lightly proposes that we try some of them out. as an atheist, i think this is a really dumb idea and say no, but she challenges me. the others seem to be sympathetic to me but afraid not to do what sabine says. she finally comes out and says that she is a satanist and scorns my atheism. i just kind of laugh at her and say fine, you can do your stupid rituals, but i'm leaving. i promise not to tell anyone about her, though. and she says no, you won't.

as i leave to go back to town, sabine comes out on the front porch and watches me go the whole time. i can feel her eyes on my back as i slip and slide on the tiny path in the quarry. men are working below to excavate some ancient town just as i walk by, and suddenly a giant column with a goat's head comes crashing down in front of me. i scream and turn to look at sabine but she's gone. i hurry the rest of the way back, up the staircase and back down the hill into town. as i do i notice that each house is decorated with devil masks and spooky stuff, some have signs pointing down into town that say 'satan's way' and as i get into town i'm surrounded by people wearing devil masks and costumes, breathing fire and dancing. i remember that it's the town's annual satan parade, and get worried that sabine and the others are gonna unleash something really bad and it'll be covered up by the fact that it's the parade day.

as i walk down, sabine and the others are walking up to meet me...i don't know how they got back before i did. they're all in devil costumes and laughing. "come on, amber, let's play!" sabine says, draping me in a cloak. she's acting like nothing's wrong. cook grabs my hand and looks into my eyes, and finally kisses me. it seems like nothing is wrong and sabine was just fucking with me, so i go along and keep hanging out with them.

cook and i start up a romantic relationship over the next few days, things seem fine with sabine, although she's more distant than usual and a lot more arrogant and sarcastic. one day i'm going to visit cook when i see through the screen door he and sabine kissing, then him kneeling in front of her like he was worshipping her. i run away but i can feel her watching me. strange things start to happen, like everyone in town is starting to look at me oddly and treating me differently. the next day i wake up with scratches all over my body. i cover them up and go to sabine's house to confront her, but when i get there, no one is home. as i start to leave, a man who says he's a doctor appears and says that my friend sabine called, worried that i was hurting myself i say no, i'm not, but he pulls up my shirt and sees the deep, bloody cuts all over my ribcage and back. i swear that they just appeared while i was asleep and start screaming that something came and scratched me in the night but i'm restrained and taken to a mental hospital. they put me in one of those beds with the wrist restraints, saying that i've been scratching myself in my sleep. and i can still feel sabine watching.



pretty creepy, huh! it's kind of like the craft mixed with black swan. the whole time i wasn't sure if it was something evil that was happening or if i was just going crazy or if sabine was just mind-fucking me or what. i love crazy dreams like this.

i'm starting a diet which should be pretty easy to follow if i just make asian food and forgo noodles (i love noodles.) i can't really eat cheese or dairy other than cottage cheese (which i love anyway) and i can't have anything with fructose and no carbs except one day a week when i can eat anything. i'll try it for a week and if i don't notice any difference i'll stop, i'm sure not having 50 cans of ginger ale and beer a day will be helpful. that'll be the hardest part, probably harder than cheese and bread. why can't they make carbless beer. i wonder what diet ginger ale tastes like. i'm allowed to have that but only 1 a day. knowing most diet sodas i'd probably rather just go without. :( except on my binge day. (which is required for a caloric spike to keep my metabolism on its toes. burn, little mitochondrias, burn!)

i'm just worried because ALL my favorite foods include bread or noodles or cheese in some way. but i decided on this because "everything in moderation" doesn't work for me and i can eat as much as i want of the approved foods. and if i can do it for a week i can do it for 2 weeks. and if for 2 weeks then 3 weeks. i didn't eat any meat for 6 months that one time, that's longer than any romantic relationship i've ever had!

but yeah, i want to lose some weight and also have my tummy not be upset EVERY SINGLE DAY. i think all the carbonated beverages i drink probably have something to do with that. and all the meals i have planned are things i enjoy anyway. protein and fiber, protein and fiber, PROTEIN AND FIBER.

i'm writing this here so if i fail there'll be something on the internet proving it. HEY ASSHOLE YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT FOR EVEN A WEEK WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

tomorrow/tonight is my last day before i start on monday so i have to eat all the bad food in the house. i mean i don't HAVE to, but i should just so it's not there. it's gonna be hard enough with my dad's chips and all the beer my parents always have in the fridge. but i can do it. i can at least START.

ok i never got to meet up with my okcupid husband :(

new years was great though, i got to spend it with danny who is my favorite. now i'm back home and once again feel like i have no friends. great!!!

i have to go get my car breathalyzer re-calibrated today. there shouldn't be much calibrating to do as i've used the breathalyzer a total of 5 times and not even to drive, just to start the car to make sure the battery didn't run out. this will be my first time driving since august! holy cowowowowowowowwww


anyway that's it. uh my new years resolutions are:

1. if you're gonna start dating a dude, make sure he isn't married already
2. lose weight

i'd also like to get a real boyfriend this year, a serious one! we'll see how that goes.

just dropping in! nothing interesting is going on in my life right now except i've been sick and stuck at home and have money for the first time ever and have become addicted to online shopping. so i have a lot of really cute thing that i'll wear when i actually make it out of the house! to add to the 5 things i wear on a regular basis when i go out as it is! my winter outfit consists of: vintage doc martens, black leggings with black thigh high legwarmers over, thigh high red and white AA socks when it's super cold (it has been.) either gray or blue or white and pink lace or peach lace dress, if it's the gray dress i belt it with a red and white striped long string belt around my hips and wear a white lace slip underneath that peeks out. long black drapey cardigan that you can wear in a bunch of different ways, as a wrap, with a hood, short with draping, etc. long frock coat made of dark purple upholstry fabric i got from value village, elbow length black knit arm warmers with no fingers and a thumb hole i bought from the shop i worked at at the renaissance festival, and my winter coat which is a long dark green parka from old navy. it's flannel-blanket lined and has a big roomy hood with fake fur trim and is the warmest coat i've ever owned. i don't even need to zip it!

the items i'm adding to this collection are: white lace dress i got for NYE, which is super romantic and old fashioned looking (my chosen clothing aesthetic), a big chunky knit sweater that's kind of brown, cream, and peach, some tiered ruffled peach shorts that look like 18th century underclothes, thick black winter leggings, and an antiqued rosette belt. soon i will also buy more winter leggings, a gray shirtdress, the multi-tiered black AA petticoat, some simple black dresses, tights with lace patterns, and some black boots that look victorian. i could buy all of these things now but i'm saving up to get myself an ipod touch for christmas. which i will use and listen to on my way up to new york for new years!

new york for new years! i get to see my best friend danny, and rick, and krys, and i'm riding the chinatown bus up with my friend richy.
but most importantly i am meeting a dude i have a huge crush on who lives up there. he is exactly my physical type and personality type. the only thing that isn't perfect about him is i think he doesn't play music of any kind, BUT he is an artist, a really good one, so i can live with that. and HE sought ME out. i mean, okay, we're meeting from okcupid but i think it will be fine. we are a 94% match which is the highest i'm matched with anyone. and we have talked a few times and it always went great. and he doesn't believe in god and hates christianity and religion too. and well basically we're gonna get married. okay? okay! i'll write about how it went afterwards. maybe i'll update from my ipod touch.

i've adopted an extremely nihilistic attitude towards everything lately. i have a hard time caring about or feeling empathy toward anything because i don't feel like it matters. i know that there are things that i like or dislike, but i can't have a strong emotion towards them. i can just barely discern between what is good and what is bad. i read articles about atheism or the stupid things christians do just to get a rise out of myself, but then all i can think is "well, what does it matter anyway. i'm not responsible for how dumb other people are."
i'm really disinterested in the idea of having sex, THOUGH still into objectifying and having little crushes on dudes. i've been hooking up with an old friend of mine recently, but i feel no passion or strong desire towards him. he could come or go as he pleases, and i'd be grateful that he is around and my friend, or that i no longer have to worry about whether i am hurting his feelings by flirting with other dudes. who cares.
there's nothing in the world that i care about doing, i guess except reading and watching tv shows and listening to music. and napping. sometimes i'll get an incredible urge for some food item, but it usually passes. since i can't leave the house, i forget to eat, or i go downstairs to look for food and then can't find anything and just wait for dinner. everything i eat hurts my stomach anyway.
i'm not trying to sound depressed or sorry for myself or anything, i'm just confused as to why this is happening all of a sudden, i am just so APATHETIC about everything. the only thing that makes me feel like a real human is listening to music, that is pleasurable to me. and the fantasies i concoct in my head while i wait to fall asleep. i have so many little stories and like to go from one to another. the best feeling is when i can feel myself starting to slip into sleeping.
rick suggested low dopamine levels, which, when i get on my parents insurance, i can tell to a psychiatrist, and maybe get adderall or something. i do know that the only times i ever felt compelled to get anything done has been when i've been on adderall. however, this may also have an adverse effect with my anxiety. so what the hell?? do i just go off of all medicine completely and suffer panic attacks but possibly get a new lease on life with real emotions and feelings, mix medicines and die from being too high strung, or continue being just like, fuck it, who cares? which is kind of a liberating feeling, but still! i would like to care about SOMETHING. and something better than "i need to find a ride to charlotte tonight so i can drink with my friends." i guess caring about seeing my friends and being social is good. i would definitely have a feeling of displeasure if i didn't leave the house tonight.
oh well. time to get those dopamine levels up, girl! maybe i should start exercising or something. god forbid

my stomach hurts. i'm heartsick about the penguin. i want to be on a reality show. i love ginger ale more than i've ever loved anything. i seriously sing love songs to my ginger ale cans and bottles.

i dreamt that i was rollerskating through a lowe's foods and ordered an italian sub (ham, salami, provolone, regular lettuce, hearts of romaine dressed in italian dressing, olives, and pepper. not TOO far from a real sandwich, other than basically having an olive garden salad on top in addition to shredded lettuce.) the dude carefully and slowly made it for me, and then asked me if i'd ever been to hollywood. i said no. then i grabbed a ginger ale from the case (proof that it was a dream, since grocery stores in NC NEVER have ginger ale in bottles in the refrigerated cases, because NC is anti-ginger ale, like, not everyone wants a beverage with caffeine, and not everyone likes sprite, or SWEET TEA.) and then i went to pay and my card was declined but the lady didn't notice until i walked outside. then i walked outside and there was a stiff wind and i got stuck in it and couldn't move, and then the lady followed me outside and tackled me. and then i woke up. weird.

here is another story about ginger ale:

a few weeks ago i went to the original pancake house with some friends, and since i was hungover, i needed a ginger ale. i asked if they had it, even though i figured they wouldn't, you never know. some places have that shitty fanta ginger ale which is better than nothing. anyway, the guy was about to say no, then said "i can make you some!" which was kind of extremely worrisome, but i said OK. he brought it out and i drank it and was like, 'oh, this is ginger ale. i wonder where he got it. what did he mean i'll make you some?? it tastes just like canada dry!' so later he passed by to check on us and said "how do you like it? tastes just like it, doesn't it!?" and walked away. WHAT. DID HE. GIVE ME. so my friends and i were EXTREMELY confused and i was scared because obviously he didn't go back and MAKE ginger ale because that takes a few days. wtfffffff so later i posed the question to facebook and got the answer: 50/50 pepsi and sprite is apparently a very authentic-tasting ginger ale substitute. who knew! thinking back i did detect notes of sprite but it was mostly ginger ale tasting. what the hell? weird.

this concludes my livejournal entry about ginger ale. now i'm going to go downstairs and get myself: a ginger ale. thank you.

i like to make mean facebook comments to myself when i read facebook status updates that i think are dumb.
it especially grosses me out to see all the girls i know who are pregnant talk about their babies. ugh. they say "i can't wait to meet the little guy!" and in my head i think "but you'll never really know him." how cynical is that? i don't care. i do have one friend who is having a baby and that i'm happy about. she's married to the love of her life, not accidentally pregnant and deciding to keep the baby to ruin the dad's life. I MEAN. i don't mean that. thats just how i would feel about it if i was pregnant with someone's child. i'd feel really, really terrible about ruining their life. and then i would get an abortion. the end!
i was at common market the other night and my one pregnant friend was there with her man and some friends of hers came in squealing and touching her stomach and dancing her away to squeal about the baby. then the dad turned his head, looked me dead in the face, and mouthed "i hate my life." its okay though, i'm sure they'll be good parents and stuff. i just can't imagine stopping my partying years right in the middle to all of a sudden take care of a person for the rest of its life. yeah you're only really in charge of them for 18 years but i mean, i'm 25 and still rely pretty heavily on my parents, so. have fun with that, suckers! i'm gonna get really drunk and never be in love with anybody, how's that sound! woooooo!!! :[

what else, hmmm. all of my best friends have paired off with dudes. like, literally all of them are now with the love of their lives. i wanted to be, so bad. i've always wanted to be, so bad. and i deserve to be! the universe owes me a big one after ben, and then dave. whatever this is dumb. now that i can't leave the house i'll probably be writing in livejournal more, about my feelings even though i don't think hardly anyone reads it anymore. maybe thats best. i can't get in trouble when i scream FUCK ALL OF YOU. thanks for abandoning me, jerks.

last night was brace's bday party! it was probably my last big night hanging out in charlotte for a few months. it was fun. i liked everybody there (except certain people who are assholes but i don't really care about them or their sad lives. oh and also ratface boyfriend-stealer ratface ugly ratface take off those cat-eye glasses you are SO not cute) and various people from every friend group i have in the city were there. that just goes to show how great brace is and how much everyone loves him.

i went home with a dude! we didn't do it but we made out and he buried his face in my hair a lot and i sat out on his porch which was down the street from the party and we listened to music and i sang gangsta's paradise and Africa by Toto into his shoulder. later some other people showed up and we shot the shit, smoked cigarettes, his roommate's dog is a papillon and has a PINK TAIL OMG. i kept saying "papillon puppy, papillon puppy", over and over. i have known this dude for a long time but never thought he was interested in me until he started saying hi to me every time he saw me. then once at dharma when i was with dave he cornered me in a corner and tried to get me to hang out with him afterwards but i said i was with a dude and he was like WITH A DUDE? WITH A DUDE? THAT IS TERRIBLE and stalked away. i drunkenly of course informed him that i was no longer with said dude the minute i saw him, and we were inseparable the rest of the night. GOOD JOB, ME. he wanted to make me breakfast but i had the worst headache and i am so unpleasant during the day so i just was like i'll walk to my car but he drove me which was nice.

anyway i'm going to NYC on saturday to see danny and rick. i can't waiiiitttt i need to get out. if more nights could be like last night. but they aren't, they're just me sitting around being angry or sad.

i guess i'm "over" dave? even though i have to tell everyone how cruelly he treated me. it doesn't make me feel better because i can't stand the thought of that crazy bitch hurting him again. now i am less concerned with how he hurt me and more about the pain he's going to go through when they inevitably break up again. i will feel vindicated but at what price? i don't want to be vindicated because i know i'm right, and it could have so easily been avoided and i could be so happy. we could be so happy. my foresight is 20-20 and i'm never wrong about things like that. i drunkenly told this to a strange dude at a bar last week, and he said, "you love him." and i just nodded sadly and drank a thousand more tallboys. i hope this isn't how i feel the rest of my life. probably. it'll probably be the same except: "you loved him." sad nod. spill the alcohol down my throat. ain't that always the way.